Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Waiting for AF

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. I'm waiting for AF. I know such and odd statement to say since most people who are trying to get pregnant don't want AF to come, but I do. Once I get AF it means that I can start the next step in the TTC process. So here I am waiting. Counting the days. Question when I really truly did ovulate? Was it Wednesday or Thursday? And of course this month I think that I ovulate late.

I think if I ever write a book I'm going to title it "Living life in Two week Increments" because that is how I feel I live my life. I wait two weeks to ovulate and two weeks until my period arrives. And when ever someone asks what are you going on such and such day, I immediatly think... what cycle day will I be one?? It is just scary.

Will this ever end?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Making a deposit

Micah did his first SA drop off this morning. We've been making light of the situation the last couple days, I think to try and add some humor to this often uncomfortable situation. He called to get all the information about the clinic earlier this week. They said that he had an hour to drop off the sample after it was produced, and then they hung up. The true man that he is, he didn't ask them what he was suppose to collect it in. He called me in a panic. "What do I do?" My obvious response was to tell him to call them back and ask where he could get a collection cup. "I can't do that! Can't you get one for me? You work in a hospital."

Yes. This is correct I do work in a hospital, however, I work in the marketing department. One a typically day, I don't have the need for a urine cup in my office. Luckily I know a women who works in one of the OB/GYN offices and she gave me two cups. Talk about an embarrassing conversation to have with co-work. She was cool about it, but still awkward.

As many people know, with a SA, DH had to abstain from sex for 72 - 96 hours. So we were trying to get in one more bedroom session before he had to going into waiting period to see if we could get pregnant on our own this cycle. I, of course, O'd late this month and by last night, thought that I had missed my O with the holiday and everything that was going on last week. I wake up this morning to find EWCM. Great. Oh well. There is a pretty good shot that I have pelvic abrasions, so I'm trying not to stress out about the missed opportunity. For the first time in more than 10 months I'm actually excited about getting my period in a few weeks. It means we can move forward with the HSG and see what is going on in there. Come on AF!!! (Never thought I'd say that again.)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Back from First RE Appointment

We met today with the RE (Reproduction Endocrinologist). I was nervous and it didn't help that Micah and I had a 'discussion' on the way to the appointment. The appointment started with a lengthy conversation with a resident about my cycles and our sex life. At one point I looked over at Micah and he looked down at his pants, wishing he was any where but sitting in the that chair.

As soon as I mentioned that I have Crohn's disease and had a 'messy' surgery in the past, she said that might be our problem. According the my BBT and fertilityfriend, I don't have a problem ovulating. My LP is a little on the short side ( it is about 12-14 days). The RE is slightly concerned about the length, but says there are things that we can do to lengthen the LP.

The bigger concern is the potential pelvic abrasions that may have developed from the surgery. They did an internal ultrasound during the appointment. It showed that my ovaries are good and I could see the little egg follies. They weren't able to see my tubes, but that isn't typically because of where they are located and they can look like the bowel. The ultrasound did find a fibroid about the size of a golf ball. The doctor didn't think that it was something to be worried about at this time and shouldn't get in the way of the baby (when and if I get pregnant.)

Due to the prior surgery and Crohn's disease, the doctor put us on more of an advanced track. She wants us to do a HSG, an x-ray with dye to see if my tubes are blocked. If they are, we will skip right to IVF because doctors won't do a 'clean up' surgery to repair the scar tissue on people with Crohn's.

So we left the appointment with a plan. I will have the HSG at the beginning of the next cycle and will get blood work done next week to test the levels of some of the other hormones.

It feels good to have a plan. It alleviates some of the stress because we are now on the plan for finding out what is wrong and trying to fix it. But on another level, I feel like I failed in some way. That I can't get pregnant the 'normal' way. Micah hasn't but any pressure on me and he hasn't pointed a finger or placed blame. Most of it I'm doing myself. I need to take a deep breath and remember that we have a plan...

Friday, November 16, 2007

A glass of wine

Micah's been gone for a couple of days. He's in California for work. So the other evening, I poured myself a glass of wine (a very cheap glass of wine, let's not get too excited) and sat down in from of the TV with a plate of sushi. It was the first day of my period. Yeah, I was sulking. I give myself one day a month to feel sorry for myself. I cry, swear, curse. It is my one to scream that life is not fair. Of course most of this is done in my car or in the bathroom before Micah gets home. He knows that this whole process is hard on me, but I don't like to show how upset I am about it in front of him. I know that we are in this together. We really can't do it without each other, but I know, some how, deep down inside that the reason why, after ten months, we are not pregnant is my fault. I'm almost positive that our lack of baby is due to the fact that I have Crohn's disease and that I had a major bowel resection nearly seven years ago.I know he won't ever blame me, but I also don't want to let him down.

I think all of this during that one day of sulking. All the what ifs run through my head and I get caught up in it. I let it swirl around until I can't think about it any more. Then I wipe my the tears off my cheeks, blow my nose and have a glass of wine. There is always next month...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Patiences is a virtue

I never thought that getting pregnant would be so difficult. I thought it would just happen. After the first couple of months, I figured it was just beginners unluckiness. After six months, I began thinking something was wrong. Micah and I are both young, fairly health adults that should be able to reproduce without problems. It wasn't until nine months of trying that I remembered what the doctor said after my bowel resection sugery in 2001. "You might have problems getting pregnant because of the amount of scar tissue that you might develop near your uterus. It was pretty messy in there."

I didn't think a lot about his comments six years ago. Then again, I was also 20 years old and still in college. I haven't had an real health problems due to the Crohn's disease since 2001, but that doesn't mean damage hasn't been done. So after nine months of trying, I have an appointment to see a reproduction endocrinologist - fancy language for a infertility specialist. If my gut is correct and there is no other explaination for our infertility and it is related to scar tissue, the best case scenerio, there is scar tissue and it can be cleaned up with a little bit of surgery. Worst case surgery, the scar tissue is too much to be cleaned up with additional surgery, then we have to discuss IVF. My appointment is next week. I want answers now!!

Monday, November 12, 2007

TTC...

TTC - Trying to conceive. It seems like such a cute phrase, when you start but after ten months of waiting, ten months of checking personal discharge, ten months of making sure that you have sex during the 'right' three days. After ten months, the words don't seem cute, but just a way to mock those who can't seem to conceive.

We've reached ten months of trying to conceive. I don't know if this is a milestone to be celebrated or feared. I spent the last two years trying to avoid getting pregnant - fearing the late arrival of Aunt Flo. And now my heart soars if I'm even seconds late only to have all hope squashed when she rears her ugly head.

Why is this whole process so hard. It seems like an easy process. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. They fall in love, get married and dream of starting a family. AND that's when it gets interesting. No one tells you that getting pregnant is difficult. Human beings are actually a very inefficient species when it comes to reproduction. We only have two-to-three days when you can actually get pregnant. TWO or THREE days. In every health class from 5th grade on, teachers put the fear of G-d in to their students that the first time they have sex they will get married. WRONG. It doesn't take just once.

This whole process is hard and frustrating. I'm trying to enjoy the 'trying' part of TTC, but it isn't easy some days. Some days I want to curl into a ball and cry. Some days I want to feel sorry for myself. Some day I hope I have a baby... maybe... someday...